"All These Words I Don't Just Say"

Let me start off by glorifying this song. It has to be one of my all-time favorites. I think it has something to do with the way I adore my older brother, and since he played Metallica in the car while driving me places, I learned to love it to have something to relate to him. I fear I was the biggest failure in his eyes: a loser, a disappointment. I somewhat redeemed myself when we were discussing movies this summer, and I told him "SLC Punk" is one of my favorites, but the fact that I like (liked, actually) Good Charlotte knocked me down quite a few points in his eyes.

I'll glorify my other brother in a later post. He's a sweet kid too. But I want to get to my thoughts today too, because there are many.

I haven't been sleeping very well lately. It hasn't been as bad as that one night I cataloged, but rest has been shallow and uneasy and hard to come by. I don't really know why this is suddenly the case. I'm not exactly content where I am right now, but that's been the case this last, long while. Maybe it has something to do with the point of emotional exhaustion I have reached. In the movie "Nicholas Nickleby," one of the characters says, "I'm tired of being strong!" and I mock her relentlessly for it. Mostly it is her whiny, simpery tone, but I think I also despise her for her weakness--fear that I have the same weakness and that someday that mask will be removed, and I will be exposed. Deep and private pain is no picnic, and it's no wonder I've wanted sometimes to walk away from it. What keeps me clinging? Some bright, foolish, ethereal hope, no doubt. Hope has become a sacred word for me.

I don't use words lightly. I try to say what I mean, and I know I fumble, but I try. I care about people, and I want to give them the best that I have. I don't really know how to; as stated before, I'm terrible at giving advice. But I can listen. And really, I think that's the only thing I CAN do. The helplessness of it is frustrating, but I'm learning to deal with frustration. And so, thank you to everyone who has opened up to me, and also to everyone who has been there for me, listening to my concerns, allowing me to be the person I want to be.