Monday, November 15, 2004

"If I Knew How To"

When I was seventeen, I was an obnoxious little snot who had an opinion about everything. I don't think I like my seventeen-year-old self, but at least she's better than my fifteen-year-old self who hated her parents and refused to do anything. I don't know why they didn't kill me, but I'm glad they were merciful, because they allowed me to grow into someone I'm becoming more comfortable with.

But seventeen wasn't all bad. I got to be the Laurel class president, and as such, I got a whole gaggle of girls who I suppose looked up to me. I hope they did, because they would pepper me with questions, and I did my best to be a good example and to offer them answers.

Seventeen has come back to hit me in the face recently. It's changed a bit: I'm not as strident, not as impatient, and my ear isn't used so much for spiritual matters as it is for secular now. And with these changes, I have found an opportunity to be stretched further than I ever thought possible and to descend into levels of fatigue I never knew existed. I haven't always been pleased with my reactions or my selfishness, but I am learning. And I am trying not to hate the darker side of humanity. I just hope people forgive me for what I have been in the past and look instead to what I am trying to become.

I also hope that I never have to count higher than nineteen, but that doesn't look like it will happen. When I do, though, I will at least do it humanely and with all the compassion I have. Even if I appear cold and heartless to some.

4 Comments:

Blogger the duke of "ish" said...

"strike me down with all of your hatred, and your journey to the dark side will be complete."

or

"it is far better to be standing at the gates of hell and moving towards heaven than at the gates of heaven and moving towards hell."

you seem to follow Dante, as opposed to the emperor from star wars. interesting choice.

11:39 PM  
Blogger juxtaposer said...

20. The end.

3:18 AM  
Blogger the duke of "ish" said...

i wonder if i was supposed to undrestand that reply...

4:05 AM  
Blogger juxtaposer said...

No, probably not. You say I'm moving in a good direction, and I say, well, perhaps, but I'm still doing something so heinous and disgusting, people should not be allowed to talk to me. And I don't care that I don't really do it on purpose. What I DO care about, though, is the fact that I'm obsessed with how bad I feel instead of worrying about how bad other people feel. I'll go work on that now.

1:43 PM  

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