"Take me from the past of all my mistakes to where the future lies"

I'm putting a stop to everything right now. How far I go when I say "everything" depends on a few things. First, no more taking sides or being angry or defensive. I know I have friends who look after my happiness, but the thing is, when my Nicolaus who is basically in charge of my happiness and the biggest proponent thereof feels he has made me terribly unhappy because of his selfishness, well, something is wrong. Second, please don't hate me. I know that is asking a lot, especially of some people, but I usually get to know someone pretty well before I decide to hate them. Well to the point that it's impossible for me to hate them. So you see how many people I hate. Third, I am not offering an apology. That seems wrong, I know, but I don't feel capable of apologizing selflessly at this point. Anything I have to say I would say in an effort to make myself feel better, I'm afraid. It will come, but it will come when I have thought things through extensively, on a night possibly a year from now when the memories come flooding back and I am utterly filled... filled with remembrance and joy and fondness and a tinge of regret covering everything with its fine, condemning film. People get hurt and no one is to blame. But the way we act when we are hurt, THAT we have control over. This time, I was too much of a child, too weak and perhaps too weary. But I am trying. I want you all to know how desperately I am trying. I just have a hard time letting go; I should have fled to Macedonia long before. Next time I will. There is a story of a people so depraved and so lost that everyone fears them and their damnation seems certain. Like Faust, they have sold their souls, and sold them almost from infancy. But some people are courageous enough to come to them and offer them a chance to change, a hope to hold on to. They bury their swords and vow never to touch them again. Anger is a mask for many things, and I thought it was what I needed, and I sought after it. It is a sword that I am now burying, and should I ever pick it up again, may I be damned.