Tuesday, December 14, 2004

"Take me from the past of all my mistakes to where the future lies"

I'm putting a stop to everything right now. How far I go when I say "everything" depends on a few things. First, no more taking sides or being angry or defensive. I know I have friends who look after my happiness, but the thing is, when my Nicolaus who is basically in charge of my happiness and the biggest proponent thereof feels he has made me terribly unhappy because of his selfishness, well, something is wrong. Second, please don't hate me. I know that is asking a lot, especially of some people, but I usually get to know someone pretty well before I decide to hate them. Well to the point that it's impossible for me to hate them. So you see how many people I hate. Third, I am not offering an apology. That seems wrong, I know, but I don't feel capable of apologizing selflessly at this point. Anything I have to say I would say in an effort to make myself feel better, I'm afraid. It will come, but it will come when I have thought things through extensively, on a night possibly a year from now when the memories come flooding back and I am utterly filled... filled with remembrance and joy and fondness and a tinge of regret covering everything with its fine, condemning film. People get hurt and no one is to blame. But the way we act when we are hurt, THAT we have control over. This time, I was too much of a child, too weak and perhaps too weary. But I am trying. I want you all to know how desperately I am trying. I just have a hard time letting go; I should have fled to Macedonia long before. Next time I will. There is a story of a people so depraved and so lost that everyone fears them and their damnation seems certain. Like Faust, they have sold their souls, and sold them almost from infancy. But some people are courageous enough to come to them and offer them a chance to change, a hope to hold on to. They bury their swords and vow never to touch them again. Anger is a mask for many things, and I thought it was what I needed, and I sought after it. It is a sword that I am now burying, and should I ever pick it up again, may I be damned.

4 Comments:

Blogger stevo said...

Zay, I luuuuu you. And I admire your strength. When I would break down and give up, you move on. Christmas break will be interesting and I'm anxious to see what happens. I just hope it snows so we can have Panda Express in the park when it's snowing cuz that would be fun. Saturday. I can't wait. I luuuu you and I'll see you soon!

5:19 PM  
Blogger juxtaposer said...

2 o'clock at Dulles. I'm going to kiss the ground. Or maybe just make you lick the ground at the park. I miss you too, and I'm sorry. I'm glad that you don't hate me, though, and I'm trying to do better. Look how ungrateful I am, you fixed me and everything, and I just threw it all away. I luuuuu you too, my Stevo.

7:27 PM  
Blogger stevo said...

I am totally ready to lick the ground at the park if that makes you happy. And you should try it. It kind of tastes like a basketball. Not that I'm an expert on eating basketballs or anything. Yeah. So when can you get away Saturday? And what are we going to do? And how are we going to have enough time? And it's cold here. Just so you know. And we need to watch SLC Punk.

9:21 PM  
Blogger juxtaposer said...

I'd love to discuss with you all the fun things we will do, but it seems wrong right here. People who screw up shouldn't get to do fun things. People who are selfish shouldn't have friends. I promised you I wouldn't cut ties and disappear, because that would hurt you far more than staying. But I don't deserve anything nice or good right now. I asked people not to hate me, and I want to earn their non-hatred. That's going to take a lot of work, and I can't do that by pretending everything is fine.

10:04 PM  

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