Friday, June 17, 2005

"Oregon Is Bad, Stop It If You Can"

I've never trusted the Pacific Northwest. A bunch of tree-hugging, coffee-swilling hippies who mostly can't pump their own gas. Plus, they have a shady look about them; probably from the way their beady little eyes dart around. All of this put together, though, isn't concrete enough to express my distrust.*

Now, though -- now, I've found something I can put my finger on. I can put my finger on it and say "Aha! THIS! This is why I'm glad to have been banned from the region! This is why I sleep with one eye open, an aluminum baseball bat curled in my arms in case that crazy Oregonian I live with gets any ideas! This is what has caused my deep-rooted phobia!"**

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you... the lingonberry.

What the heck? I was at IHOP last night with Gene, getting pancakes for dinner, and I wanted crepes, so I was looking at their selections. Well, they offered Swedish crepes with lingonberries and lingonberry butter. Um, no. Do not offer me imaginary food. There is no such thing as a lingonberry. I mean -- really? I've heard of strawberries and blueberries and raspberries and boisonberries, but LINGONberries? What is that nonsense? So I texted Google (thank goodness for unlimited texting), and found out I could buy 14 oz. for $6.50 from somewhere. Okay, thanks for nothin' Not Quite Real Google On My Phone. I almost asked our waitress what a lingonberry was, but, well, the interviewing process for waitressing positions at IHOP isn't quite exactly EXTENSIVE if ya know what I mean (read: she was just plain dumb; sweet, but dumb), and then I almost asked her if she could just maybe bring me one, but I am a wimp and never asked.

So I googled it for reals this morning, and turns out it's a dried ground cranberry.

Okay.

Crazy dried ground cranberries and those crazy Pacific Northwesterners that "consider this fruit to be an important diet staple."***

* It's sad that I have to point this out, but I'm just kidding. For those who get way too into their Pacific Northwesterness and can't realize someone is joking.

** I'm still just kidding. I'll let you know if I ever stop. Though my roommate (hi, Jennifer!) really is crazy.

*** http://lingonberry.com/info.htm

13 Comments:

Blogger Aaron said...

I think we should more openly mock the stupid states. Like Wyoming, the Dakotas or Alaska.
I would like to remind you that nothing good has come from those states. NOTHING!
We should be more critical of our union. Anyone who hasn't contributed to the nation is out! This way we can have some openings on the flag to draft cooler states. We could get Japan or England or even Belgium (I care a great deal for their waffles). And maybe the loser reject states could get picked up by some loser country like Canada.

5:02 PM  
Blogger JENNIFER said...

So, I was at the Scandinavian Festival today---just walking around with my mommy and all of the sudden I run into a booth selling what other than...LINGONBERRY JAM! They had some samples, so I tasted some. Yummy. I almost, ALMOST bought you some---but it was like, $4.50 for a tiny little jar.

But, I thought of you.

1:14 AM  
Blogger Baltazar said...

The Red states voted to loot the Blue city's and they won , it pay's to be ignorent

2:54 AM  
Blogger Corith Malin said...

Hey! What's a matter with Alaska! I take offense at that! *grin*.

3:22 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Already taken care of Jennifer. :-) I bought a jar of lingonberries and will offer Beth some when she gets home.

I have never had, or even heard of, ligonberries before this blog. They are pretty tasty.

9:51 AM  
Blogger juxtaposer said...

Presents of lingonberries? Woohoo! But I raided the house and I saw none, so I have no idea who you are, sir or madam anonymous.

And I hear Alaska is a very beautiful place. Everyone who has been there has raved about it. Wyoming, though? Ick. Get rid of it -- it'll make trips to Waffle House go so much faster.

6:49 PM  
Blogger Aaron said...

Well sure Alaska has some nice scenery, but it's only hospitable 2 weeks a year. The rest of the time it's a frozen hellscape (that's actually Alaska's motto: "2 weeks of beauty, 50 of frozen hellscape"). That's why I'm voting to move Alaska to the Caribean. Then it'll be lovely all year round.

8:55 PM  
Anonymous Guess who said...

Beth, look in the REFRIGERATOR--where on earth do you think we would keep lingonberry jam? And you have a BYU education... By the way, did you tell everyone about Dad's plan to put a massive wall around Montana and make all the teenagers live there until they grow out of it? We figured no one cares about Montana anyways, and they could be the first ones to have their teenagers locked up. We've even had people suggest Dad campaign for President on such a platform. (We love you)...

8:27 PM  
Blogger Miss Hass said...

My Swedish roommate used to make us Swedish pancakes (I thought they were crepes, but she'll rip your head off if you say that) with lingonberry jam. Meh. It was alright, nothing to write home about, though.

Also, I'd like to say that we should mock Nevada. I mean, what good can possibly come from the first state to legalize gambling and the only state to have legal prostitution. I mean, except for me, of course. Also, Maine is weird.

2:31 PM  
Blogger juxtaposer said...

NEVADA! I HATE that place. It's so... so... ugly. And as for Maine? Ahahaha. Maine-iacs. Haha, do you get it? Do you? I came up with that one on my own. Even though it's probably been done before.

9:32 PM  
Anonymous Jerilyn said...

I've lived in Oregon nearly my entire life and the only time I've had lingonberries is at IHOP. Trust me. Oh wait, you can't. I'm from the Pacific Northwest.

2:06 PM  
Blogger juxtaposer said...

Jerilyn! You'll probably never see this... but welcome to the comments. And are the ones at IHOP any good?

7:02 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Not to rain on your parade (or rant), but perhaps this Wikipedia for Ligonberries

Might clear up some of your misconceptions.

8:47 PM  

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