Monday, June 19, 2006

An Open Letter

Look. It's not my fault, okay? I know it may seem like I say that a lot, but really, it's because it's not.

I cannot help that I am awesome. (Yes, it's a known fact. Go look it up if you wanna. I could provide you with fistfulls of references, but I'm not the one with time for that kinda crap. I'm awesome, remember?) I cannot help that people are programmed to like awesome, so that you, out of human necessity, became drawn to me. Things like this happen; I blame Aristotle and his logic.

I wanted to hang out; I even planned on it. I told people. The thing is, I have these circles. Circles of loyalty, I call them. (Someone once told me that I should see a psychiatrist as I was trying to explain these loyalty circles to him, so I don't know how off-the-wall they really are, but it seems perfectly reasonable to me. So, since I'm cool with them, we're going to go with it.) Because, you see, I am only one person. And clones freak me out to maybe even an unnecessary degree, so that's certainly not an option for me. Instead, I suppose I prioritize people. The closer we are, the higher of a priority I make you. Also, the deeper your need for my help gets you a higher priority, but it seems somehow that the people I keep closest to me need maybe the most help. (See an earlier post, wherein I confessed that I like crazy. I think that explains it well enough. Or maybe just that I care more? Or both?)

You have no idea what's going on in my life, but I promise you that sleep has left off being any sort of priority for me. I get it in stolen snatches, wherever and whenever, because who knows who will call next, or fall apart next, or need a shoulder to wimper coldly upon next. I need to call, and fall apart, and wimper coldly many many nights, so I can understand on a deep, compassionate level how inadequate yet how welcome another presence can be. And I refuse to not be there for these people, these people that I love and admire with all of my young, young, terribly young heart.

So when you called today, and I was so tired that it hurt to the root of my toes, and I knew that simple English speech was far beyond me, and even the ringing of my cell phone wasn't really making sense...well. You can see why I didn't answer. But I'm still not sure why you got so angry. Dude, you barely know me. I know: That's not a good response. But consider it, at least for a moment, maybe instead of lecturing me on decency. You already have my apology sitting at your feet.

Something came up. Something big. You need to respect that; and realize that not everyone is out to disappoint you. You're cool; it's why I was looking forward to hanging out. Believe in that coolness. Go on -- take it, and go do something with it. Like maybe forgive me.

Or not, your call. But I'm still awesome, no matter how you feel about me.


Anonymous oh my goodness said...

in cohearence wih your appearence how is the NPP coming--?

1:09 AM  

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