Christmas is a time for family, and so I thought I'd do a little run-through of my family members so you could feel like you were part of the madness and merriment.

The Parents

Mom: She's crazy, which I like to make certain she knows. Frequently. By telling her. She doesn't really understand my brothers and I, but she makes good bread, and sometimes it's cute when she repeatedly thinks Gettysburg is south of home. I don't know why she does it, but I've known her for long enough to be able to head her off when she wants to make a wrong turn. She's the grandmaster of the guilt trip and she likes those home decorating shows. She also volunteered me to make 120 rice krispy treats for a friend's wedding reception next week. Typical.

Dad: We always pretend like we're punching each other even though I've never hit a boy in my life and don't intend to until Dan gets back from Australia. He's also the one who taught me to never hit boys. He's a staunch Republican (in fact, while we were debating at dinner the other day, I told him he was TOO Republican, which he didn't like), and constantly gets mail from the "President" or this committee or that committee, and he listens to Rush Limbaugh. And often agrees. Hence the "too Republican" comment. He likes old movies and Leslie Gore, and he thinks he's cool. Which he can be sometimes, but I think he's just pretty much too short.

The Brothers

Nobb: So, his real name isn't Nobb, and anyone caught calling him that other than me is in trouble. And it really, really hurts when he punches you and also I don't think he has a conscience. So watch out. I think people are calling him Rob these days, but it could still be Adlai for all I know. Out of all my family, he's the one I adore the most. Today we were trashing Nietzsche and Newton and my mom at dinner. He's brilliant, he taught himself Italian to read The Divine Comedy in the original. Yet the child cannot write a decent research paper, even now. I still remember staying up late to help him with his term paper for Miss G's class and then two years later turning basically the same paper in again when it was my turn. She had no idea we're related. He also bequethed to me all his CDs since he doesn't use them anymore, so my collection has grown significantly in The Smashing Pumpkins and Nirvana fields. He also saw a present I have wrapped for a friend, read the to,from tag and asked me who Heroin Bob was, recognizing it from a movie. When I told him, his response was, "best movie EVER!" And so you see why we get along. And no I'm not telling you the movie, go google it yourself. Or ask the Board.

Pon: His real name is also not Pon. It's short for Johnas Ponas which yes I made up in middle school. I'm certain my brothers hate me, but at least I'm amused. Activity: figure out his real name. He's the sweetest kid, and I mean that. No one brings out my maternal instinct more readily, and seeing him smile is still one of the best things in the world. On the way back from my grandparents' house, he let me listen to his Lost Prophets CD, so I introduced him to Sugarcult. He has good taste in music. And he laughed at the shirt I bought him. Just be careful around him, because he is one of the shrewdest businessmen I have ever encountered, selling candy at twice or three times its cost to dumb fellow-highschoolers and other adventures I don't have time to relate. He also programs calculator viruses to look like games and he gives them to people. Which I highly encourage. Because maybe he'll teach me someday, which will be the only reason I'd ever think about touching a calculator again. And that's my family. Except for...

The Pets

Mr Green Genes: deceased, do not contact

Tolstoy: deceased, do not contact

Oscar: deceased, do not contact

Hamlet and MacBeth: deceased, do not contact

Virgil: deceased, do not contact

Yeah, all of these guys died while I was away at college. Most were fish. One was a gecko. Try to figure out which ones I was in charge of naming. It shouldn't be too difficult. But in the end, there's still

Winter: a cat. Shrewd, cold, calculating, arrogant, and a definite princess. I am convinced my parents are giving her crack, because how else should I explain the white, powdery substance they call "arthritis medication" they put on her food that makes her go insane? She's 13 and beautiful, and my greatest fear is that I will come home and my older brother will have eaten her. Which would be really funny, actually.