Monday, February 07, 2005

"Or Were You Sent to Save Me?"

So, confession time? I think it's time for that.

I am fiercely independent. Yeah, I love my friends, and I love how they make me laugh and feel good and whatever, but I pride myself on being The Unbreakable. On not needing anyone. On being able to take care of myself, starting with my emotional emancipation from my family and continuing into my withdrawals and silences when dealing with people. I deal with things on my own, THEN I tell others what's up. Like I said, I'm a pridefully independent.

But sometimes, especially when my stomach continues to rip itself to shreds inside my body and I give up all hope of salvation, I let my mind wander off into rosy dreams of letting someone take care of me. I have to admit, it's pretty nice.

And then I realize that there are a lot of people willing to take that position, and I have to shoulder my independence again and push them away. Because that's not their place. Because it never will be their place. Because nothing they could ever do could make it their place. I blame my instinct or my intuition or my "power of discernment" as Sam calls it, but I won't fuel hope when there is none to be had. People might get hurt, but at least there is decency. So if I've given you hope, please hold to it, and if you're mindlessly waiting, please don't.

I stand by my tenets: Loyalty. Decency. Consistency. Trust.

7 Comments:

Blogger Sam said...

I love you. I wish I could be more like you.

7:09 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I wait, but not mindlessly. Sometimes, I think that the stars will line up right and we might work out. I certainly don't want to take care of you. I am screwed up enough and barely managing my own life. I even hand control of that to others now and then. How rude I didn't sign it.

3:25 AM  
Blogger stevo said...

I need to work on decency. Decency is not making John think I'm somebody else and telling him to meet me for a movie and then just happening to be at the movie he goes to and listening to him talk about how he can't find his friend and being glad my phone is on silent when he tries to call his friend and having my phone ring and then sitting in a car and laughing about it. But he is touchy-feely. And he is weird. And declared that he loved me. It's like an unwanted hug. So maybe.... no, still no decent. I suck at being a good person sometimes.

8:03 AM  
Blogger juxtaposer said...

What about loyalty? Like keeping friendships. Remember that Kristin girl? You don't HAVE to hang out with bad people if you don't want to. But it's your choice. I'm sorry I'm far away, but you're not friendless.

2:50 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow. That entry totally sounds like something I've written a hundred times. I feel your pain immensely! Stay strong, guys suck, remember?

4:41 PM  
Blogger juxtaposer said...

Hey, thanks Anonymous :-) Do I know you?

7:08 PM  
Blogger juxtaposer said...

Welcome, Jennay, my dear. You're an inspiration.

3:07 AM  

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