Thursday, January 20, 2005

"But the Irony of the Story is When I Fell to my Knees"

I hate weekends. They're just no good. Maybe if I were more disciplined, but that's something I've yet to learn, and being so undisciplined, it seems unlikely I'll ever have the motivation to learn it. A lovely little Catch-22 there.

I did some great things this weekend. I watched Unbreakable. Twice. I made Jf a birthday card. I learned just how much salsa 700 ounces of tomatoes will make. But mostly, I lazed around and just hung out. For three days. I disgust myself. Life is so much better spent while insanely busy, running around doing fulfilling things. Life would also probably be better if I actually got enough sleep, but something always seems to interject and foil my plans for that.

People are just happier when they feel worthwhile. This is a dangerous time, this single, college-student period, when I'm just kind of floating around, not really contributing anything to society. Sure, I'm building up my potential energy, and when I finally make it to the real world, the fireworks will be plentiful and beauteous. But right now, I could die and NOTHING WOULD CHANGE. I'm not contributing any goods or services to the world, I don't have children I'm raising, I'm not curing cancer or fighting crime, even (that you know of). And when I laze about not building that potential energy, it's even worse.

I just have this intense fear of never mattering. But I don't have much working for me. I'm from a middle-class family, and most kids from those backgrounds never make it anywhere. They're content where they are, and they don't have the resources to do much more. I'm not exceedingly brilliant. I don't have a new system of government to try out. No one is oppressing me. I'm oprressed by my lack of oppression. The end.

8 Comments:

Blogger Kristin said...

if you died, everything would change, u don't realize the influence you have, especially on me, and what about rachael and so many other people! u don't have to have this fear of never mattering because you DO matter already..ALOT, obviously more than you know. i don't like that you feel that way, i love you!

2:39 PM  
Blogger Sam said...

You're freaking amazing. Don't ever deny that.

1. I love Unbreakable. And I love that you helped us make 300 servings of salsa. Being lazy is nice, and we had a fun and relaxing weekend.
2. Sure, life is better when you're busy, but don't underestimate that resting can do a lot for you, too. Don't be hard on yourself for not getting a lot done during the 3-day weekend. None of us did.
3. I'm pretty sure we've all been there, where you feel worthless during this weird in-between college single life. Just enjoy the freedom as much as you can before you sign your life away. Marriage and family are amazing and much more fulfilling, but take advantage of what you can do now.
4. Don't ever say NOTHING WOULD CHANGE. That's ridiculous. My world would fall apart, as would many others. You do so much for so many, at least you do for me, and I know that many people appreciate and love you.
5. You matter.
6. You have a ton going for you, or "working" for you... I'm from a middle-class family, too, but I have no doubt that I can change the world in my own small little pathetic attempts. We can do it, Liz.
7. You ARE exceedingly brilliant. At least in my opinion you are. Your intelligence never ceases to impress me and I admire you for it.

Seven is a good number. I'll stop there for now. We all feel worthless sometimes, and those days really really suck. Just keep on going, live for the good times, and remember your divine worth and the many many people who care about you. Let me know if I can help. I love you, Liz!

2:58 PM  
Blogger REDguy said...

Now I'm utterly offended. I realize that my pining after you was brief, even pathetic, but you must understand that I don't go "chasing," especially anymore, just willy-nilly.
While I understand your feelings, perhaps more than anyone save God and my mother will understand, you, of all people, must understand that you matter.
What you need more of is my megalomania. I've always figured I was cut out to rule the world, if only in a spiteful way.

5:54 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

At the last price I saw on Salsa you are a millionair
Hi!

7:04 PM  
Blogger juxtaposer said...

It seems I'm also oppressed by my inability to spell. I hope no one holds that against me :-)

Um. So I'm not depressed, neither do I feel worthless, nor do I believe none of you wouldn't be upset if I died. My point is, you'd be upset, but you'd get over it. Death isn't the end; never has been. If I died, the country wouldn't lower its flags to half-mast; no newspaper stories would be written up in remembrance; no children would be bereft of a mother, no husband a wife; no labs would close down; no criminals would get away that could have been prevented. I'm supposed to be doing SOMEthing with my life. I don't know exactly what that is, but I have hints of it. I'm just expressing a common feeling of in-betweenness that college students are probably supposed to feel. And I'd better be getting dang good grades this semester. That's all.

Oh, and Taylor... I'm confused. Are you really offended?

7:41 PM  
Blogger stevo said...

I understand the feeling. I have nothing to do all day, every day. Thank God classes start Monday. Oh and I luuuuu you!

9:17 PM  
Blogger Bart Zamboni said...

Sometimes the greatest impact you can have is in individual lives. I realize that all of us dies and, although people are sad, they get over it. What you don't realize is that even though they may have gotten over a loss, there are still moments of longing. Moment in which nothing could fill the void except the presence of the one you miss. Everyone feels this feeling of, "do I really matter?" I have those moments all the time. I don' know how to fix them. What I can say is that you have impacted my life in a way no one else could have. I probably don't communicate that enough. YOu are brilliant and can accoplish anything you put your hand towards. That could be now or later.

3:21 AM  
Blogger juxtaposer said...

I don't feel worthless. Thank you all for all your kindnesses. I like to live in reality, and that reality is, I'm intelligent, but I'm not going to explain quantum physics. I'm kind, but I'm not Mother Theresa. I have goals, but I'll never be the President. That's still okay. I might want to save the world, but I'm realistic, and I know I won't be able to. The other part to that is, I know what I'm supposed to be doing, and I'm just making sure I'm getting there.

And to all of you. You are equally valuable, equally amazing, and I would be bereft if any one of you died. Except Anonymous, as I don't know who that is. Should I be enlightened, I'm certain my feelings would be the same.

4:06 PM  

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