"Even If I Wanted To, I Don't Think That I'd Get To You"

It's time for another list. I've compiled some popular ideas about me I've spotted floating around, whether whispered friend-to-friend or merely plucked from your brain itself. I've already told you I'm far better than you could ever believe me to be, don't think it's beyond me to read your mind.

You know me. Think again, buckeroo. Making assumptions doesn't count as knowing me. Generating fantasy Mes doesn't count as knowing me. I wouldn't have to go through stuff like this if people knew me.

I enjoy your company. I leave it to you to decide this one. I leave plenty of hints for those willing to pay attention.

I take pleasure in breaking people's hearts. It makes me sick to think anyone could believe this one. If you find yourself in that camp, see above and remove yourself from the guest list.

I don't take responsibility for my actions. I might not be the most responsible person ever, but when it comes to my actions, I take full responsibility. I'll even take full responsibility for your actions. I'm not certain everything is always my fault, but until God Himself comes down and tells me that, that's what I'll believe.

I enjoy flying. Okay, I'll admit it, it's true. But can you tell me why?

I read a lot. I can just see your minds convulsing over this one. Is it true or not? Let's see how well you REALLY know me. Answer: You don't.

I'd be HAPPY to proofread your paper for you. It's probably just a load of old tosh. Especially when it's 11 p.m. and I've been working on my own stuff all day and I'm exhausted and you refuse to let me keep it overnight when it's not even due for class the next day, or at all. Get out of my apartment.

I'm a nice girl. I'll tear you apart.

I'm cold and heartless. Cold, heartless people cannot be guilt-tripped. Cold, heartless people can watch someone they don't even know get hurt and not care. Cold, heartless people can even watch someone they DO know get hurt and they don't care.

I care about grammar. It almost never bugs.

I can define that word for you. They invented the OED for a reason.

I have a good memory. That's why I have lists. I'm good at lists. In them go the things I know I should be remembering, but that I won't. Things just don't encode well in my brain. Chances are I don't even remember talking to you, and especially not anything you said to me. See how important you are?

I'm mocking you right now. Probably. My internal mockalogue is vicious, and I delight in it.

I'm a vegetarian. I don't even know where this one came from. I like animals. I like them a lot stuffed with mushrooms and grilled. I can even feel myself salivating as I type this. PETA can shove it.

I have a lot of patience. Please. Don't even waste my time with this one.

DISCLAIMER: If you were hurt or offended by this post, I apologize. It was not my intent to hurt or offend; in fact, such is never my intent. Come talk to me, and we'll sort it all out. I just wanted to clear up some misconceptions.