Friday, March 18, 2005

"Don't Fall Away And Leave Me To Myself"

I call this the allegory of the white stuffed rabbit.

Almost a year ago, a friend of mine gave me a present. We weren't that close so it suprised me, but it was for my birthday, so I accepted it as just one of those things that happens and thanked him. I unwrapped the paper and saw a stuffed animal. A white rabbit, specifically. It was kinda cute, and I put it on my shelf in my closet where I could see it if I wanted to. In April, I started packing to go home, and the rabbit was relegated to a box and stuffed into storage, along with almost all of my possessions. I went home, had a fantastic summer, didn't want to come back (you have no idea how badly I didn't want to come back), but got on the plane anyway. As I was unpacking my things, I found my rabbit and pulled it out and set it on my bed. I was happy, and the rabbit brightened the place even more. Then things started happening, things that broke my happiness and tried me to the very limit. Every night, I would crawl into bed in defeat, and every night, I would hold the rabbit in my arms as I struggled to fall asleep. The rabbit became essential to me. I couldn't fall asleep if he wasn't in my arms, his ears snuggled under my chin. Something I hadn't really given much thought to when I had accepted it had come to mean everything to me, and I would break if he were taken away from me.


I'm writing about a stuffed rabbit that I sleep with; I think it's painfully clear that I've retreated back into a scared little girl. My rabbit is even now sitting in the crook of my arm. Is this what we do when we're reeling from the hurt and confusion--we retreat back to a pretended safety? I see marked evidence supporting that: pleading like a four-year-old with someone to like me perfectly illustrates my point.

One of the worst pains imaginable is to watch yourself being forgotten; I won't do that. At the end of things...

"But I have had your friendship--grace to you
A woman's charm has passed across my path."

42 Comments:

Blogger Baltazar said...

A phrase that discribes the human races mental history ,and I never heard it before.."pretend safety"

9:33 AM  
Blogger Charmander said...

i havent made mention of my security either...the stuffed monkey a boyfriend gave me years ago that means nothing to me about him, but about home and love and understanding. its okay to retreat, but dont forget to come back out and talk.

3:51 PM  
Blogger juxtaposer said...

It's still my spring break, hence my absenteeism. I apologize for it all... almost. And Art apologizes for hogging me.

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