Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Finding Comfort In Myself

I don't want to talk about it.

I had a really fun weekend, doing all kinds of things I've never done before and getting dirty in the process, which is always a plus. We went out into the wilderness of Utah and had ourselves a nice little 5-hour hike (and by "hike," I do not mean we walked around; we brought rope and harnesses and helmets; we had to suspend ourselves in the air, wedging our bodies between canyon walls to get around the icewater in the canyon bottom; I needed help, and I actually willingly accepted it). Ed took lots of pictures, and in the event that I actually get them, I might post one here so you can see what was up. It really was a GREAT day. Oh, and the weather wasn't too cold, so I didn't freeze to death, which is a plus in my book.

Of course, I came home and dropped my bag, which got grassy stuff all over the floor I'd JUST vacuumed, which was not so cool. And there was some tragedy involving missing files on my computer. And of course there was the never-quite-ending realization of how things are just refusing to work out. I think that's why I have this intense relationship with literature. All of the characters have someone scripting their life out for them, so whether they get a happy ending or their just desserts or a sad, tragic, this-is-awful-but-this-is-life ending, it's all planned out from the very beginning. (Well, in most cases. I won't talk about that other kind of literature.) The characters can't control anything, they're just words on a page manipulated by a greater force, so if something doesn't work out, well, that's just how it goes. I AM in control of my life, and I STILL can't make the ends match up. I know what I want. I have some things decided. I know exactly who I am and how I fit (or don't fit) and what I need to go where I want. People like this really shouldn't be floundering the way I am. That's for people who haven't quite figured everything out yet, or who aren't ready to settle down into something, or who are just too messed up to function.

No, I'm not talking about how life likes to throw curve balls and how sometimes plans fail, etc etc. That's understandable; it happens to everyone, near as far as I can tell. I'm not talking about the confusion of being single in a family-oriented culture. It's stressful, I guess, but not really a big deal. I am not talking about worries over money or grades or friends or keeping Mom happy while being realistic. I am talking about the kind of stuff that reduces you to asking "What do we do?" over and over and over again, with no answer. No workable answer. And having no idea how it got that way or how to get out, or how to work something out so that someone can be happy.

It's frustrating. But it's a story.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Adventures in the woodlands sounds fun, you should write a short story about that instead of your real life :)(Just kidding) I think i speak for all Liz-factor friends when I say "we demand more pictures :) " Have a good one, and if crap dosen't work out, then at least you got to try something :)

9:04 PM  
Blogger juxtaposer said...

Mike, you're sweet. I already told you I think you're the only one who really reads my away messages, and you do a good job making sure I'm actually happy. Plus, I think every girl needs to hear now and then that she's a "hottie" :-)

12:06 PM  

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