Monday, February 13, 2006

Carve Out Your Heart For Keeps In An Old Oak Tree

How To Charm Me, Part Two.

First, tell me you have bought me the best present ever. This will immediately snag my attention, because presents have happy connotations, and also because I will want to know what this present is. Curiosity killed the Elizabeth, as the saying goes, and it can be used to great effect in situations like these.

Maximize the manipulation of my naturally curious nature and lead me on an hours-long guessing game while giving me vague hints like "It's something terribly hard for you or anyone else to procure for you," and "I don't think I can mail it. Them."

Laugh secretly at me when I show an inability to keep all of the hints you've given to me in mind when guessing. (For example, I learned it wasn't an animal, and yet guessed "an octopus," then "octopi," then "ducks," then "goldfish." It's amazing that I graduated from elementary school, and yet here I am, supposedly at a well-regarded university. I guess I write a killer application essay?)

Finally when I get close enough to the truth, reveal that you have spent an entire year searching for a mint-condition set of Unbreakable movie-promotion posters such as that Blockbuster puts up to advertise new releases. You know that Unbreakable is my favorite movie, that my walls are absolutely bare, and that the only picture in existence of physical contact between us was taken in a Blockbuster store, so it's become a thing for us.

Wait while I absorb the fact that you spent an entire year searching for these posters in mint-condition, that they are huge, and that they are absolutely more perfect than anything I could have chosen for myself.

Be insufferably cool about the whole thing, verbally shrugging at my inquiring "But why?"s, and only saying that "it's what you do for chill girls." Liar.

I'm not even (completely) bummed that it didn't turn out to be an octopus. At least I don't have to go through the trouble of finding an appropriate name, right? I mean, what does one even name an octopus? Or feed it?


Blogger Corith Malin said...

I'd name my octapus "Squiddy" Or "Inky" I like "Inky" the best.

10:04 PM  
Blogger Baltazar said...

octopi have very big brains so you name it Newton then naturally you ask it what it wants to "eat"

3:05 AM  
Blogger juxtaposer said...

I think maybe I'd name him Agamemnon.

4:03 PM  

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