Making A List Of Things I Aboslutely Cannot Accomplish And Why

1. I buy bottled water with sports caps because it's the only way I've found to be able to drink water at all. Pretty much every other time I try, I fail. I either drink it too fast and choke on it and look like an idiot who doesn't even have enough brain function and coordination to control the swallow muscles, or it spills out all over my face and whatever shirt I happen to be wearing at the time.

2. There is an international ban on my playing pool ever. It's actually been listed as a crime against humanity because my skills are so entirely lacking that people die whenever I attempt it. Throught the years people have tried to teach me but my incompetence is so monumental that I am plain unteachable. The only way to play pool with me is to bodily move me - arms, legs, fingers, pool cue, my entire body - into proper position. This is usually best accomplished by hoisting me onto your shoulder and carrying me around the pool table. Oh, and I won't cooperate with you, either.

3. I cannot find the Chick-Fil-A french fries I bought today and saved for dinner. I know I got them out of Jaela's car, but after that, it's a complete mystery. Maybe the apartment ghost got to them.

4. Tell the truth. The reasons are obvious.