Saturday, November 27, 2004

"She's a good girl"

So, driving home from Las Vegas, sometimes I would focus on the brilliantyly hard snowfall instead of the road, see the huge flakes whizzing past the car, and I would feel that familiar free-falling feeling. Familiar, because first, I adore roller coasters, and second, because I have been free-falling for the last... how long? I don't know, because I don't know when to start the count. There were some times when I didn't think I was, little breaks, but those were just breaks, temporary, maybe even an illusion.

From a friend: "Watching you is like watching a traffic accident you know is about to happen--so helpless. Yet, at the same time you know it's going to be okay in the end and everyone will survive.... I'm helpless to you. Jumping in front of the car won't help you. Won't help me. But, when you crash every now and then, I'm there."

He hasn't even MET me. His life has fallen a lot harder, deeper, and worse than mine has, and yet, he is there, knowing I need someone to look after me.

Something that this vacation did for me, (besides give me a break and let me start eating again)... I remember making a comment to Jennifer, probably while packing, that I wake up with my heart pounding out of my chest all the time, feeling like I am going to throw up, not knowing exactly what is so disconcerting. I guess I haven't been sleeping deep enough to remember anything but the feeling once I wake up. Strange she should ask me the morning when I finally slept long enough to see what I dream of, if I had had any dreams. I hope she forgives me for telling her I hadn't.

Please, don't get the idea that my life is horrible or anything like that. At the end of the day, I can still laugh. And at the end of the day, hey, I'm still The Unbreakable, and I bet I still bounce.


Blogger JENNIFER said...

I'm just happy that you slept deep enough to remember.

You tell me don't tell me things...I'm okay with that.

11:53 PM  

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