Wednesday, February 23, 2005

"Just Cause You Don't Know What Matters Most"

[I'd like to apologize to my readers who don't have the background to understand what follows. I'll be happy to enlighten you at any time.]

Dear "Cecil" President Samuelson,

It has come to my attention that students attending Brigham Young University get no Spring Break. It has come to my attention because this is my second year here (as well as yours), and likewise the second year I've been screwed over by BYU's crazy policies.

I don't know what you think you're doing. You're saying to yourself right now, But they get off in mid-April! No Spring Break is needed! You're an idiot. Not needed? Do you know what's not needed? Education Week, that's what! 30,000 clueless Mormon folk invading the city of Provo for a week in the summer to gain spiritual fatness and hear a lot of false doctrine and "inspiring stories." It's a super-extended Sunday School. Is that really necessary? Just give the people a Michael McLean CD and some book by Richard Paul Evans, maybe accompanied by Mormon Doctrine. I wouldn't be sad to get a nice package like that. I likewise wouldn't be sad if you suddenly announced a few days off in March for hardworking students and the termination of CES Mecca-like projects. And I bet I could collect quite a few signatures on this one. Yet you sit naïvely in your office, probably unaware there's even a problem. How can that be? Oh, that's right--BYU campus doesn't allow protesting. The closest we get to that is the Soapbox festivities on the quad, closely monitored by BYUSA.

Can I point something out about BYUSA? Something you might not have considered. They are so strident and so asinine that normal people hate them and their policies. Doing what is good and right should not cut out all forms of joy and merriment. We should be allowed to joke around. We should be allowed to be sarcastic. We should not be held down by restrictive fascists who do not think slang and God should appear in the same paragraph. What happened to having a close, personal relationship with a higher power? You and your BYUSA cronies have crushed that privilege right out of us.

To get back to the Spring Break issue, I can understand if people want Education Week to continue. Good things must come out of it, at least in some way. Must it happen in Provo, though? Utah is a terrible place; no one should be encouraged to come here EVER. By holding Education Week festivities here, you are exposing people to the brown-scrubbiness of a polluted valley. Have you ever wandered Provo streets at night? Without your entourage, I mean. Do it sometime and take a deep whiff of the lovely-scented nighttime air. Then try not to vomit all over your polished black dress shoes. Provo is foul at night. The rain is brown. The "river" is a stream. The processed hair is abundantly bad enough to kill small children. Please, I beg of you... stop. Send people someplace nice. Someplace that won't interfere with BYU's already-crammed schedule.

I have several ideas for alternatives, if you'd like to contact me. I just want to keep my brain from exploding. And this "we'll give them Monday off and then call Tuesday a Monday" thing is NOT a break. It is sick and wrong is what it is.

Thank you.

This is why I never actually send the e-mails I compose to good ol' Cecil.


Blogger stevo said...

You need a spring break. Actually, I need you to have a spring break. Maybe I can come see you over my spring break. And that means I'm calling my Grandmother.

4:19 PM  
Blogger REDguy said...

Wait, wait, wait... that doesn't seem like your stuff at all...

I do find it interesting that a protest-oriented individual would even bother what they were allowed to do anyway... The truly rebellious would be willing to sacrifice all on the altar of their principles, be they Spring Break or Education Week... So trifling over some rule against protests seems contrary to the volatile passions of a truly free will. I say express yourself by getting expelled...

11:30 PM  
Blogger Bart Zamboni said...

Education week brings more money than any other activity on campus, even more than our stupid football team. So your letter would do no good. I am glad we don't have a spring break. I would spend it stressing about school anyway; I don't have alcohol to dull my senses.

11:52 PM  
Blogger Sam said...

In past years I always hated not having a spring break but only because my friends at other schools would brag about their trips and exciting plans. But I've gotten used to the fact that the people who run our school are not going to change their minds.

Wow - this is my last winter semester here. What am I going to do next year when I don't get to hear everyone's complaints about snow, our lack of a spring break, and the large increase in couples? (Honestly, so many people get romantically involved when the spring season hits... Walking around campus in late March and April, seeing everyone holding hands and participating in other forms of PDA, always makes me want to gag.)

3:30 PM  
Blogger juxtaposer said...

I never complain about the snow. I will always complain about the lack of a Spring Break. And I think falling in love is a wonderful idea, and of course you're going to see those couples more because they're venturing out of their snuggly apartments into the fresh springtime air. And then that emergence leads to more people meeting around campus and such (eye contact is so essential, and who's looking for a potential hook-up when arctic wind is freezing your eyeball liquid), so duh there are going to be more couples. Some of whom are really cute. I just like spring. Maybe it comes from being born soon after the solstice.

6:43 PM  
Blogger Sam said...

I didn't meant that YOU complain about those things. I meant that people in general complain. Including me.

Just wanted to clarify.

6:59 PM  
Blogger juxtaposer said...

Complaining isn't a bad thing. I enjoy it.

8:39 PM  
Blogger Aaron said...

My only problem with that almost e-mail to good ol' Cecil (ha ha ha...the name Cecil makes me laugh) is the mention of the "No-Education-Week consolation package" I would be deeply upset to recieve one of those packages. Then again, I would be deeply upset were I forced to attend education week. Oh, I'm planning on beating Michael McLean to death with one of his CD's, if you would like to join me, please let me know.

2:35 AM  
Blogger juxtaposer said...

But getting stuff is always fun. And I figured I'd made enough enemies through insulting Cecil and BYUSA, and I didn't want to come off as being too negative. Smash away, Aaron; I encourage it.

4:01 PM  

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