More

I do NOT need more on my plate right now. My left eye is twitching from fatigue and stress, my head is engulfed in one of my worst headaches from smacking my head multiple times on my car as I tried to enter it last night (don't even ask me how that happened), and I'm starving and poor.

On the bright side, my paper for Vic Lit Theory is coming along so so nicely, and I love being able to read my way through literary criticism and have a purpose in sight for it. Mr. Williams, Mr. Greenblatt, my hat is off to you, sirs.

I want a slice of cold Papa John's mushroom pizza and a back rub.

Love Is...

Love is going down to the police station to get a job application for someone; even though you consider one of the Worst Things Possible to be asking for an application, and you really only make a habit of it if your options are, 1. starve on the streets, or 2. get an application from somewhere, anywhere. And this wasn't just the local McDonald's (Buena Vista doesn't even have one of those) - this was a locked-and-barred, buzz in through an intercom and search out the mysterious "door in the back," be treated as very-much-possibly a criminal and/or cocaine abuser, police station.

You'd better appreciate me, Nicolaus Copernicus. Appreciate me to the tune of killing the spiders nesting in the apartment waiting to grow up and crawl down my face. Appreciate me to the tune of long nights and Legion Forts and Wal-Mart talks and rap music.

East Coast Lovin'

Jared's coming on Thursday. We're having a picnic.


It's the little things - (things I couldn't do in Utah because it was ugly and arid and cold).

Voluntary Injustice

The best way to cure disappointment is to leave a bag of cookies on someone's desk. Especially if they're oatmeal chocolate chip. Point taken indeed, ladies. Have a fabulous Hollywood edition mocktail party; I'll be sure to crash it in my full-on work get-up.



The entire bishopric strolled in tonight while I was sitting, huddled in a blanket, with a ridiculous(ly gorgeous) Russian hat on my head, playing Final Fantasy IX. Only if I had been doing naked pirouettes while eating peeled grapes could I have felt more awkward. I believe the conversation went something like this: "Heeeey, guys. I'm, uh...I'm really busy. Don't let the fact that I'm sitting in the dark being goofy and killing monsters throw you off. I'm taking a break. ...Yeah." To be fair, I was completely esconced in piles of papers for a presentation in Platonism tomorrow, and I really WAS just taking a break.



The consciense is STILL pricking. I don't do getting caught very well, even if it's in my own imagination.

The Very Un-Mocktail Party

I took tomorrow off of work three weeks ago in anticipation of our apartment's mocktail party, the first of several we were planning on throwing. I doublechecked with my roommates that, yes, we really were having the party, and yes, it really would be held on Saturday the 17th. Saturdays are hard to get off where I work.

I was talking to my room-roommate (you know, the one who actually shares a room with me), and she told me she was working tomorrow. I told her I was sad that she'd have to miss the mocktail party that way, when she was like, "Oh, they rescheduled it. For next week." "What? When did they reschedule it?" "Last night."

Awesome. Really, really awesome. Because, you know, everyone in this apartment can just make it to a party on a random Saturday night of someone's choice. Oh, wait, no, I would have had to know about this change weeks ago to actually be able to make it. And we're changing it so some roommates can go do other stuff tomorrow. Even though this party has been in the works for a long time now.

Glad to know I'm losing money for a missed shift to get to not go to a party I was really looking forward to. And glad that someone told me about it other than inadvertantly - oh, wait, that part didn't happen.

Super.

Running To Catch Some End

I have this need for superlative, and for only. If I am close, then I want to be the closest, and the only closest.

How did it come to this?

"He...knew it was all so completely wrong, everything from the moment of his birth to this, everything was coming out the wrong way - not the opposite, but worse: close."

Post-Decision

I've decided. I'm going to Hawaii.

A girl needs some happiness. Just some.

Spring Break Decisions

I have such a difficult decision to make.

This is the kind of decision I feel enormously bad blogging about, because how many people get to be this lucky? And then I go and complain about the inconvenience of my luck? What is that about? So know first-off that I am NOT complaining; that I am extremely grateful, and that I indeed feel very loved. And that I am so poor right now that I sobbed to my mother on the phone about how I can't even afford nice, non-Wal-Mart brand lotion, even though I work fulltime. My finances just cannot catch a break, and I feel stretched almost to the breaking point at times, so this? In some small way makes up for that, even if I don't take the opportunity.

So. I have a friend whose parents are flying themselves and him to Mexico for spring break. He invited me to come along, at first jokingly, and then much more seriously. Of course I was excited. I've never had a spring break before, and going to Mexico would be fun and exotic and so so warm. The more serious it became, though, the more problems I ran into. I have no money for a passport. Fine, that expense would be taken care of. I still have no time, though, to run home and get a passport. I've thought about this every which way, and I just don't know what to do, short of skipping class (which I can't afford to do, since they're big on attendance at this school, and the material is challenging, as well as engaging), or skipping work (which I also cannot afford to do). I have big papers and projects due right after spring break, which means I'd need to work on them while on vacation. But I have no laptop, so I'd have to work on them longhand and transfer the data, which is exhausting. I can't afford the time off of work. It's really far away, and I'd like a chance to just sit at home and play video games, uninterrupted. Also, I'd be missing the beginning of March Madness if I went. Cabo San Lucas isn't the tamest of tourist destinations, either; it's party central come spring break time, and I'm not a partier. While my friend and his parents aren't either, I don't even like being around it. I'm just so the opposite of impressed by that entire scene.

But. Buuuut. Mexico, for a week, in a hotel that I could never afford, with someone who loves adventures and whimsy. Sleeping on hot sand. And this boy? So so cute. SO. I'd really, really love to be able to justify it. I keep telling myself to stop being a pansy-wimp and just GO FOR IT. But I'm jittery, and those jitters are not helping me.

Please help me. I can't decide, and if it came to a coin toss, I know which I'd choose. I'd choose easier and less stressful, and I just may regret that. I wish I could see the future right now, just a little piece.

EDIT: Now they're going to Hawaii, and I don't even need a passport.

Getting Political

Sen. Barack Obama's Presidential Announcement speech.

I like the fact that at the core he believes in basic decency. That is the thing we should trust in, and the hope we should hold for the future.

Things That Have Kept Me Away From The Internet

1. A schizophrenic crackwhore (no, I do not exaggerate) came into work requesting alcohol, but saying she'd left her I.D. "up north," (though she told everyone else Mexico, so I wonder where she thought she was), so I refused to sell her any. Whereupon she asked me how much money it would take for me to take off my shirt. It left me speechless and afraid.

2. I made the transition from grinding levels for someone else's Final Fantasy XII game to playing my own game of IX. My drug of choice is no longer heroin. Give me a fat stack of video games, and I will not eat, I will not sleep, I will send misleading e-mails to people about my snowed-in-ness, anything it takes for just one hundred more experience points. Just one hundred more....

3. A friend asked me to go to Cabo San Lucas for spring break, and, hello, I'm there. As Stephanie put it, "You have to do this for all of us!" Thoughts of warm Mexican beaches make it hard to sit in a cold, dull apartment.

4. The recent craze of promotional posters decorating our hallway and living room walls have provided the apartment with a variety of opportunities. Now we don't just talk about doing something awesome at some point in time. We set a date and time, and we MAKE A POSTER TO ADVERTIZE. So everyone knows, and there's lots of guilt if you don't come.

5. My punishing schedule allows me little energy to think of anything to say at all. And by punishing I mean, you could not do this schedule if you tried.

6. I'm too busy watching the police chase said schizophrenic crackwhore around. Literally chase around, and jump over counters and get hit in the face with pans, and forcibly tackle her. So brutal. So so worth it. Except no one used tasers like I suggested.

7. I (re-)learned to double windsor ties. I want to (if I get married) tie my husband's ties for him, so it's a worhwhile skill to have. Plus, this way I can spread the double windsor to more people. Enough of these ugly, useless knots.

8. e-Bay.

9. Art promises 80 degrees of thermostat goodness, and who am I to argue with that? I cannot argue with the 80 degrees. I am too busy sighing with contentment and curling up into a little ball of happy. And then sending that happy in a surge through a playstation controller to kill things.

What Is The Worst That Could Happen?

"What art thou afraid of? Wherefore, like a coward, dost thou forever pip and whimper, and go cowering and trembling? Despicable biped! what is the sum-total of the worst that lies before thee? Death? Well, Death; and say the pangs of Topeht too, and all that the Devil and Man may, will or can do against thee! Hast thou not a heart; canst thou not suffer whatsoever it be; and, as a Child of Freedom, though outcast, trample Tophet itself under thy feet, while it consumes thee? Let it come, then; I will meet it and defy it!"

- Thomas Carlyle, Sartor Resartus

(Tophet is a synonym for hell)